(since that's what I have now)
"Fearful of own thoughts"
I realized I'm fearful of my own thoughts. How scary is that.
Because your thoughts make up your habits. Your habits make you.
You are your thoughts.
Too much negativity in me. Steaming from all my negative thoughts.
Vulnerable. Sensitive.
I shall confess here. This quote makes me feel guilty.
Sometimes, I am a superficial person in front of other people.
Not all the time, I promise.
Everybody's different in terms of their personality, thoughts, character.
So, depending on who they are, I'll try my best to fit to them.
I'm sure I'm not the only one. But still, it makes me ..not me.
I don't know leh. Maybe it's me. Just a different part of me?
We have to define "me" then.
Anyway, I never have bad intentions.
I guess that's what they meant by trying to fit in?
It upsets me, because it's one of the way I've changed.
Old me aren't like that. Old me was sincere all the time.
Old me find it hard to fit in anywhere. But still, old me was .. me.
Old me find it hard to express myself. Yet every words were sincere.
Old me sacrifices everything for band.
Old me only has band in mind.
Old me was willing to go the distance for band.
It upsets me too, when people can't see the real me.
And by real, I mean the insecurities.
I'm not as stable as most think. Not as emotionless as most think.
I get hurt countless times in a day. Intentional or unintentional.
Can't really take jokes.
Those hurtful jokes bother me all day.
Whether or not they really meant it or they're just jokes.
But on the surface, I'll not show any sign.
I'll just go along with it. Laugh it off.
I guess that makes me tougher..?
I can handle them better and better haha!
"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt"
No matter what, I want people to see the happy me.
Happy, cheerful.
That'll make them happy too....no?
I guess no.
Nobody's always happy.
People should see the real me.
Happy or not.
Rather people hate the real you, than love the fake you.
Everybody's different. An original.
My thoughts. I don't like them.
But hiding from them, makes me fear them.
Sometimes, I just want to freaking change everything bout myself.
But it's too irrational.
Maybe possible, but that's not it.
Positive thoughts. Positive lifestyle.
Starting from my lifestyle.
Focus on the good.
My greatest takeaway from this trip will be the morning exercise for sure.
Waking up at a fixed timing every morning and leaving house at 7.45am to exercise.
After a good workout, have a hearty breakfast.
Start the day early, start the day right.
The morning is a beautiful sight.
MUST keep at it after I returned to Singapore!!!
Make it a habit. Make it part of me.
I felt so much more positive after I start this routine.
I felt like I can accomplish so much more too since the day felt so much longer.
I will give myself to what I do too. No more band for now.
But there's judo. And there's piano.
My loves.
Don't give in to all the negativity.
Put all my energy and focus on the right things.
Don't think too much too.
Simple life. Simple thoughts.
I'll be back from Malaysia on Sunday night.
One last week of holiday before school starts officially.
It didn't really have impact on me cause I'm studying part time.
Starting work at music center scares me even more.
Teaching piano...SO SCARY!
It'll be a new phase in my life.
New school. New job. Working and studying at the same time.
Writing this blog post out made me scared too.
Writing out my thoughts.
It makes me feel vulnerable.
But I guess...I'll just let this vulnerability get to me.
Just be vulnerable for once.
And we'll emerge even stronger.
