I'm off

Hey there. Last day of May. This post will roughly round up everything too.

Today I had parents meeting and my Dad and I were there at 2pm but back home at 4.30pm.

I really hate waiting. It nearly drove me mad(my Dad too).

I rather have good results than suffer waiting there.

I mean, it's all my fault I didn't know to take the queue number. Shit.

So, my Dad was his usual self. (Talk a lot+cut people off) Hmm..

I'm position 5, starting from the back. Mr Chng speaks a lot. But all seems to be a reminder.

I mean, I heard them all before. It's just me, not acting.

Camp success part 2 is starting tomorrow.

June first two weeks in camp success. Third week in KL. Last week back and studying.

My birthday's coming in 5 days.

June

July

August

September

They are ALL I have till O-level. The 4 crucial months. The months to turn everything around.

So, few days ago when I lied on my bed, I had an absurd thought. *No going online for the next 4months*

It's rather hard actually(for me), so I guess I'll start with my blog.

Personally, I think it's selfish to just stop blogging after being active for long. (I really hate others doing it) I mean, I followed your blog, and then all of a sudden you stopped blogging. It's kind of sad. And I love blogging too.

But, it's what I have to do to force myself to study.

So, time to work hard yilian!

MrChng: You have to start NOW. Go home and tidy up all studying materials tonight(Sciences and Math) This(points to results) must be your SUPER priority now. You can have life after o-level and pursue whatever interest after O-level. But this is it now(points to results).

Super priority: O-level.

PS: I may blog during holiday lahhh:x

Till then. xox

Discipline is freedom.

The undisciplined are slaves to moods, appetites and passions.

The undisciplined lack the freedom that comes with possessing particular skills and abilities – e.g. to play a musical instrument or speak a foreign language.

My priority- self-discipline.

awesome night

I had an awesome night. Today started out sucky but ended off well.(:
I overslept so was late for band. Considered a tiring and hot day. So we performed and after that, hurried to change then enter school hall for the dinner. It was great. I love the atmosphere. I mean, it's our school hall yet it doesn't seems like it anymore. The food was alright. But I think our table was great with all those humorous people . So overall I enjoyed myself. I have to say this event the planning committee did a great job.
So that ends my friday. And I have to thank Sheryl Ho for her ethnic costume!
And JiaXin for the ride home and for the extra trip back for my hand phone! (<3) Off to bed.



My friend, stay strong and persevere all the way. Take care of yourself too. Just know that your friends will always be by your side. Jiayou!

I have to be in an emotion check.
It's getting control of me and whenever it does the end result is breaking down.

Okay that's cool. I just realised I can upload photos straight from my phone to facebook. Yea I know. Such things existed long ago. But still. I can't believe it's from my phone! My phone! I'm loving it! Even if I have to use WiFi.

Mummy off to KL. Good that you can go because if I could, I will go with you.

I feel like I'm alone again.

I'm lacking the courage to love.

I'm currently taking a break from chinese.

古人说：“勿以善小而不为，勿以恶小而为之。”

不要因为好事太小而不去做，不要因为坏事太小而去做。

No matter what, after quite awhile and I still have a lot of feelings when I heard our SYF recording.

I mean, we went through a lot right. But we made it. And none of the section actually fail us like how others had expect. I'm really thankful to whoever up there.

Back to today.

The impact was great when I received my Bio paper. Yes, I did expect myself to get low grades but not that low. It's together with my Chem now. Like what the.

My mood was really affected then.

And yes, I scored low, I scored lowest. 垫底you know.

Dumb. I should really focus on what's important. The chinese passage is really right, in life it's normally not the big things that conquer us but all those small little things.

I worry too much. I shouldn't even put my focus there.

And so I went home.

At that point of time, I can't bring myself to go band. With this kind of results. I don't know how.

I went back to school for chinese night study. I'm planning to go for all of it now.

And then rush off to yoga, and when it was ending, my tears just flow out I can't believe it too.

太多烦心的事。

It's all in my mind. In my mind's eye, I saw something so ugly. It reflects my feelings then.

So I tried my utmost to imagine beautiful stuffs, imagine the blue sky and green grass. But the tears still flow out.

I decide I shall not talk to my mum about it. Since I'm not confident I won't break down before even getting my message across.

BUT STILL, that's the past. When I'm most vulnerable.

I will get back to my chinese. I did all the written work and I'm finishing it. Tell me am I doing enough? Will it ensure that I will get my A1?

I really don't want to retake. And the only choice is to get A1.

I hope when the paper end, I can say, 我尽全力了。

Dear yilian, remember your will. That you want to go JC then University. Because if you lose your will you lose yourself, don't lose yourself k!

I'm sorry. I will find back my focus. Because I don't think you still care about me.

播种一种思想，收获一种行为。播种一种行为，收获一种习惯。播种一种习惯，收获一种性格。

You are what you think. (:

unnecessary worries

Sian sia, I feel so irritated now. Anyway early morning I went for band performance for the national st John.my last second event with mayflower band. It was alright, quite a nice experience. And when they march past with us playing memories of friendship and I saw the audience clapping for them, weirdly I felt a sense of happiness for them thinking finally, you guys graduated. I was very touched. Hahas. So everything ended with ms mok thanking us profusely. Went to eat the food they provide and I ate and ate. Nice!
Stayed for hours and listened to ms mok and mr tan chat, seriously I'm amazed at how they can chat for so long non stop. Cool! And I went home for hours of nap before going to piano lesson. Had ten course dinner with mum's friends.

Today ate a lot I'm happy.(:

Till then.

again and again

I seems to have broken my chem lowest mark record again. I wonder how low I will get to.

Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
Buddha

I slept early last night. So didn't touch the computer at all.

Dreamt a lot anyway. My mind was super active.

I was extremely tired after band practice yesterday:/

Today toooo! Okay I will survive.

Oh I ate sambal fish in school for lunch yesterday! Damn it's too hot.

I wonder if it's because I haven't had it for long.

But I wonder how I'm going to survive so many chinese lessons:'(

Starting from yesterday. So today we had nothing except for chinese. Whole day.

And JiaXin didn't come to school today! :'(

Our class then went to Jurong Island. It was quite boring and no photos can be taken. :/

Chinese O-level, 30May. COMING SOON.

To-do list:

Finish HBL for

-SS

-History

-POA.

:'(

And I did none of them -.-
Now I'm off to bed.
My mum's mood today is really bad uh :(

Sian.

Can You Hear My Heart

One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to
self-confidence is preparation.
~Arthur Ashe

I'm planning now (:

Life is the sum of experiences that we encounter as we go through life. Day to day struggles and triumphs are experienced by all of the world's creatures. As human beings, when we encounter a challenge, we have freedom to choose how to react. Every decision that we make leads us down a different road. We will never come to exactly the same crossroads. Every decision the we make has significance. The tiniest choice that we make reverberates throughout the entire universe.

So what I have to say is, let it be.

After reading the posts in clique blog, I had strong mixed feelings.

But I realised, after a decision made and that you have tried your best, let it be. This is life afterall.

The thing about working a lot is that you never have a chance to worry about things that have happened or things that are going to happen. It forces you to live in the moment.

~Dave Hughes

If you've been wondering, the thing is I have spent the day away sleeping.I slept till mid afternoon and I read during most of my waking hours and I went for my yoga lesson. Thats ALL.

I'm not proud of it. But it kept me thinking. In fact, I realised I spent too much time thinking about the past, thinking about the future. I always can't wait for something to arrive or something to be over. I never really enjoyed the moment. I never really lived in the moment.

And thats the part thats very sad. I have many flaws.

I always stand by and watch things past. I am not proactive. I am always wishing for someone or something to happen to change the state things were. Even if I didn't like it.

Thats one of my flaw.

I don't like that. I want to try everything. I want to experience new things.

I have always known how fortunate I am to be young. I am only 16.

It's the best time. There are so many under the mercy of age yet I'm wasting it away.

Just like my parents. Just like my grandpa who just passed away. And just like my grandma who is alone now. They are old. But they can't help it.

It's always on my mind.

How to make my parents proud.

When I'm a parent myself and that I have invested all my efforts on my child, what is it that I hope to see from them. Of course, my parents don't live only for us. They lead their own life and do things that are in their interest. But I have to admit most of their time are spent on us.

children.

I will find back my motivation. And study hard. It's all about living in the moment actually.

Since I have already planned out what's ahead.

I'm done with my words.

What do words really mean actually? Words are not just words.

It's the thoughts of a person.

The writer, sometimes, it can be conceited, and not mean what they really feel , sometimes, it mean everything to the person. It will be so real and truthful.

So what if it does not move people.

chen 先生的新车:D

Today I had gone to my lessons. Violin lesson had a relief teacher today :/ Then met Amelia to go SWSY together!

The songs are hard:'(

Anyway, went home with Sheryl and Amelia.

I had KFC for dinner. A once in awhile indulgence.(<3)

I'm tired after a day out.

I know I'm kinda late. But I'm loving it! Ipad2, I think I'm going after you. You are so cool!

I went back to school today.

Today we had some band rehearsal with St John.

It was long and quite dry.

Anyway, next Monday and Tuesday has no school.

Awesomeness<333

I was quite tired even though I slept for most of the day.

I guess I'm sleeping again later after eating.

I can't tell how much I want O-level to end. I can't tell how much I want to go back to Malaysia.

Endure, yilian.

I'M SORRY.

Sorry for making you worry. Today is the last day of mid-year. Finallyyyyy. It has taken a toll on me.

So tingwei and me went out together!:D

But because it's raining so we waited. And I fell asleep.

So Ms Ng called and missed called 12times before I finally picked up. I'm sorry:'(

And yes, I uploaded your photo :x

We didn't have a better one.

Before and after, I'm sleeping.

I wonder why I can sleep so long.

Farewell mid-year.

My mum is finally home! Cool!

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Albert Einstein

It's 11.45am now. 2hours ago I just finished my Chem paper. Speaking of it, it was terribly done. I finished it like super duper early. So I just stare , sleep , think . I didn't do much with the already terrible state. Oh! I was planning for my life after O! I wrote the draft on the paper about what to do after O during that 2months. Super excited about it. But of course, I erased it.

Just 1 hour before, I "lost" my wallet. So I went everywhere, I walked around the whole school repeatedly and asked around. My Dad was with me. His first reaction when he heard I lost it was, scold. My Dad is those always think of the worst case senario type of people. But I'm the opposite.

Anyway, so after a fruitless search, we went home. Home is my last chance. It's either there, or not. In the end, my wallet was lying at my study table. So in the end, that 1hour search was for nothing. Now I'm super tired because my adrenaline was pumping hard just now. My head was hurting when I'm searching for it. My Dad's head hurt too.

I felt like I was more nervous when I lost my wallet as compared to taking the Chem paper.

I really hate this kind of situation where you lost something. It happen to me frequently.

背对背拥抱

because now we are clever, my Dad and I took all the important things out of my wallet and print it.

and my Dad says paste them 背对背。我们背对背拥抱。。。。

Update maybe lateeerrr. I'm gonna take a rest first. I'm abit naggy :x

EDIT: I'm backkkk!

Someone just asked me so how is your grandpa? Better already?

I just laughed it off, hahas, he passed away last week. Hahas it still trigger my emotions.

I still haven't get over it.

I miss him.

EDIT: I'M ALWAYS SLEEPING =( Just up from a nap.....

Yoooooooooo! Mathsmathsmaths.

What can I say? The worst part is getting back the results.

My results I'm pretty sure it's not pretty. In fact none of it will be.

Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

Look into someone's eyes and smile.

Listen to your friend with great interest.

Laugh out loud when it's funny.

And simply enjoy yourself.

Can you sense my sincerity?

Because everything is going to be alright.

I CAN TOTALLY FEEL THE HEAT. OHMY.

Hopes to score well for tomorrow's paper!

If it takes me forever to show how much I love you, I will use it.

I think all of us have wasted too many opportunity to show how much we cared.

Love don't come easy, love won't be there for you if you don't search for it.

This trip back to KL I made a lot of realisation. Everyone has their vulnerable side.

It sure did touches my vulnerable side I swore I could cry.

I thought a lot and I think I came up with the answers.

This trip has made me seen the other side of my Dad.

I'm really proud of him.

My Dad had insisted we go home the next day to focus on my studies and for my brother to go for volleyball training for the coming tournament.

But we had tried to persuade him and I had said I wanted to stay to send my grandpa off.

In the end, I think it's because of my mum, he stayed. Due to some reasons, he is the only representing son-in-law. He have to do quite a lot of stuffs.

I can see that even if his body couldn't take it, he perservered and did a good job.

I have to admit, I was furious at him because I might be able to see grandpa for the last time, but he insisted I stayed to study.

But now to think of it, it's because he cared for me.

I love you Dad.

This three days trip, we did alot of prayers for grandpa and we have to stayed up late and wake up early.

There was alot of relatives and friends.

Almost all the relatives were there.

But I can't help but suspect, who is the one who's heart really go out to my grandpa who was lying inside, in the coffin. Who really cried for him, who really cried for this loss.

It was perfectly right when it said, "when you want to know who really cared for you, it's during your funeral, who was there, crying because you are gone."

The worst part was to walk up to the coffin for the first time and see for yourself.

Grandpa is really gone.

During the whole funeral, I still can't accept it.

But we all have to move on.

Yesterday night when I came back, I cried hard. It's not because I still can't accept that I had lost my grandpa forever. It's because I really can't take how loveless this world is. I used to believe everything everyone said. I used to think everyone is good. But the reality hit hard.

There are just people who are fake.

So I went to bed. And I promised myself, I must do all I can, to show how much I care, to show how much I love. Even though I don't know how, but I will find my way there, I will figure it.

There are too many less fortunate in the world. I am already very fortunate.

Rest in peace grandpa. I love you.

I'm back. Thanks guys for all the care you shown, I'm really thankful.

Love you.

Ha ha ha.

History paper today. I screwed up the essay. It's the most miserable paper I ever took.

I'm sorry. But I will use my brain to think instead of emotions.

Yesterday, 5May, my ahgong passed away.

After english paper, I went home to rest. When I'm studying POA, my mum called from KL,

she says ahgong is in critical condition, he was having difficulty breathing and the doctor says he may not survive today. She wanted me to go there asap and ask teacher for excuse.

After the call, I had an urge to run to school to find MrChng.

But I fight with myself. SIT DOWN AND STUDY.

I will never forget that moment I'm still studying P/L Appropriation.

So I called my Dad. I told him about it. The first thing he said was, study. What if nothing happened. But all I thought was, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED.

I know, you want me to study. I know, studying is important.

But I almost burst out crying.

So I went for POA paper and it went out well.

At night, I msged my mum to ask about ahgong.

She replied. Gone.

Just that word. Signify everything.

I held the msg for Dad and brother to see. First thing Dad said, go and study.

Yes yes yes. I will study.

So that moment, I sat down, and I studied history. But nothing was going in my head

and tears were falling. But I think it's studying that has kept me sane.

Everything was going through my head. Is SA1 that important I missed seeing my ahgong. I could have been there.

Study study and study. I have two choice, study harder because it cost me seeing my ahgong

or give up to my emotions.

Today. I went for history paper. And I screwed it. I realised something.

If you smile, you won't cry. So I smiled. I chat with LiLi. I looked around, sometimes you never knew. When someone appear perfectly normal, maybe inside they are breaking.

I wonder if anyone was experiencing the same thing I was experiencing, and I realised for everyone else, life just goes on.

The paper ended. But all I thought was, I'm sorry ahgong.

Now I'm home. Waiting for my brother to end school.

It's hard, waiting here. But it's harder, staying in school.

Because tears are to be kept in home.

This day came. Even though we have prepared ourselves.

That msg came. Even though I thought my mum will say he's better now.

I will be away to KL for the weekend. Don't bother looking for me. Please.

I don't know how to face it. I don't want to face it.

It's a funeral.

My friends. Please don't talk to me about it. I'm not ready. I'm sorry.

But I need to let you guys know. At least if I don't, it's selfish.

I guess I will be fine when I'm back. I will be ready. I will study.

I will study on my way there, I will study there, I will study now.

Please treasure whoever you have now. Love them.

Because no one knows what will happen the next minute.

Smile and you won't cry. (:

Inside I'm shattered.

好..久不见

In love with his voice(<3<3)

There is no genius in the world. Even if you are, you have to work hard.

It's all 1%genius, 99%hardworking.

If you want to score well, you have to work hard for it.

A lesson learnt. I just have to suck it up and move on.

every accomplishment starts with the decision to try

I like this. Success or failure.

You choose yourself.

happy may

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Confucius


Sws practice today, sat in mr tan cool new blue car, some of the pieces were messed up. Still had so much space to improve.

Welcome my May.
5months to my o.