History paper today. I screwed up the essay. It's the most miserable paper I ever took.
I'm sorry. But I will use my brain to think instead of emotions.
Yesterday, 5May, my ahgong passed away.
After english paper, I went home to rest. When I'm studying POA, my mum called from KL,
she says ahgong is in critical condition, he was having difficulty breathing and the doctor says he may not survive today. She wanted me to go there asap and ask teacher for excuse.
After the call, I had an urge to run to school to find MrChng.
But I fight with myself. SIT DOWN AND STUDY.
I will never forget that moment I'm still studying P/L Appropriation.
So I called my Dad. I told him about it. The first thing he said was, study. What if nothing happened. But all I thought was, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED.
I know, you want me to study. I know, studying is important.
But I almost burst out crying.
So I went for POA paper and it went out well.
At night, I msged my mum to ask about ahgong.
She replied. Gone.
Just that word. Signify everything.
I held the msg for Dad and brother to see. First thing Dad said, go and study.
Yes yes yes. I will study.
So that moment, I sat down, and I studied history. But nothing was going in my head
and tears were falling. But I think it's studying that has kept me sane.
Everything was going through my head. Is SA1 that important I missed seeing my ahgong. I could have been there.
Study study and study. I have two choice, study harder because it cost me seeing my ahgong
or give up to my emotions.
Today. I went for history paper. And I screwed it. I realised something.
If you smile, you won't cry. So I smiled. I chat with LiLi. I looked around, sometimes you never knew. When someone appear perfectly normal, maybe inside they are breaking.
I wonder if anyone was experiencing the same thing I was experiencing, and I realised for everyone else, life just goes on.
The paper ended. But all I thought was, I'm sorry ahgong.
Now I'm home. Waiting for my brother to end school.
It's hard, waiting here. But it's harder, staying in school.
Because tears are to be kept in home.
This day came. Even though we have prepared ourselves.
That msg came. Even though I thought my mum will say he's better now.
I will be away to KL for the weekend. Don't bother looking for me. Please.
I don't know how to face it. I don't want to face it.
It's a funeral.
My friends. Please don't talk to me about it. I'm not ready. I'm sorry.
But I need to let you guys know. At least if I don't, it's selfish.
I guess I will be fine when I'm back. I will be ready. I will study.
I will study on my way there, I will study there, I will study now.
Please treasure whoever you have now. Love them.
Because no one knows what will happen the next minute.
Smile and you won't cry. (:
