"Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical
narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the
victim from reality"
Think I've been wallowing in self-pity for too long. Feels so tiring. The more I think about the situation, the worst it gets. Don't know since when I've been like this. Have this feeling of losing my ground on the earth.
Maybe I really think too much and engage in too much self-talk.
I'm already close to the age of adulthood, but still feel like an immature kid. Very dependent on people. How to survive in the real world?
But then, quoted from Amelia's blog:
"I'm
tired for now so I'm thankful for holidays. I can wallow in my
self-misery until I gain courage to put those feelings aside or at least
try to control them. I'm tired of fighting against them."
Totally agree. No more going to school. No more meeting of people. Finally, I can have time for myself for the week.
Please please, I want to focus on my studies already!! Have to focus on my studies already.
Anyway, today, I went for judo training. And you know what? I think my braces broke! :( First time in training, and also just before the due date to take them out! It's during randori and it got stuck to Vincent's gi. I think I'm so good at managing the crisis that nobody knew I broke it. Even Vincent didn't realise. I just panicked awhile and then try my best to get them out.
But still, I guess I'm too skilled for this kind of situations already. In case you don't know, a lot of emergencies happened to me before. But almost every single time, I solved it myself. Even if my friends are with me. My first reaction is to think about what I can do calmly, and then just try it. For instance, one day I was out with all my close friends and we were all happily sitting down. But then all of a sudden, one of my slippers broke. And it broke so thoroughly that I know I can't wear or walk with it anymore. And we still have plans later on. So I just stare at them and think of what I can do. It's really weird. I didn't thought of asking my friends who are sitting OPPOSITE me and BESIDE me for help. Even when I don't know what to do already. I didn't want to ask them for help. I didn't want to tell them too. I think this is just me. I don't want to trouble people and also I don't know how to ask for help. I think it's something good and also bad at the same time. All these experiences train me to be tougher. I guess that's one of my good point, always calm during crisis. But it's also something bad. Because it makes me tired. Sometimes I just wanna rely on someone, on the people around me. Whenever I try to solve things on my own and not ask for help, I will feel like I'm alone too.
Ok I'm stopping here. I want to sleep already! And I'm going to enjoy my holidays!! Feel happy for me yo!~ :D:D:D
BYEBYE.
