zero degree

Hellooo. How's your weekend? No more weekend for me luh. Now's all muggin days. 24/7 mug. I want to do well for promos. Anyway I'm really really glad that gp and chinese are over first. Now I have 24days to concentrate solely on the other 4 subjects. But, I'm....feeling this immense sadness. Because I won't be going judo for months. I feel ... sad :( . Sighs. It's ok. Nevermind. I have to priorities anyway. It's good to take a break too. Byebye! (:

self-pity

 "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality"

Think I've been wallowing in self-pity for too long. Feels so tiring. The more I think about the situation, the worst it gets. Don't know since when I've been like this. Have this feeling of losing my ground on the earth.

Maybe I really think too much and engage in too much self-talk. 

I'm already close to the age of adulthood, but still feel like an immature kid. Very dependent on people. How to survive in the real world?

But then, quoted from Amelia's blog:

 "I'm tired for now so I'm thankful for holidays. I can wallow in my self-misery until I gain courage to put those feelings aside or at least try to control them. I'm tired of fighting against them."

Totally agree. No more going to school. No more meeting of people. Finally, I can have time for myself for the week. 

Please please, I want to focus on my studies already!! Have to focus on my studies already. 

Anyway, today, I went for judo training. And you know what? I think my braces broke! :( First time in training, and also just before the due date to take them out! It's during randori and it got stuck to Vincent's gi. I think I'm so good at managing the crisis that nobody knew I broke it. Even Vincent didn't realise. I just panicked awhile and then try my best to get them out. 

But still, I guess I'm too skilled for this kind of situations already. In case you don't know, a lot of emergencies happened to me before. But almost every single time, I solved it myself. Even if my friends are with me. My first reaction is to think about what I can do calmly, and then just try it. For instance, one day I was out with all my close friends and we were all happily sitting down. But then all of a sudden, one of my slippers broke. And it broke so thoroughly that I know I can't wear or walk with it anymore. And we still have plans later on. So I just stare at them and think of what I can do. It's really weird. I didn't thought of asking my friends who are sitting OPPOSITE me and BESIDE me for help. Even when I don't know what to do already. I didn't want to ask them for help. I didn't want to tell them too. I think this is just me. I don't want to trouble people and also I don't know how to ask for help. I think it's something good and also bad at the same time. All these experiences train me to be tougher. I guess that's one of my good point, always calm during crisis. But it's also something bad. Because it makes me tired. Sometimes I just wanna rely on someone, on the people around me. Whenever I try to solve things on my own and not ask for help, I will feel like I'm alone too. 

Ok I'm stopping here. I want to sleep already! And I'm going to enjoy my holidays!! Feel happy for me yo!~ :D:D:D

BYEBYE. 

PS Don't worry I'm not always an emo girl! :)

It's been a long while.
And now's already September.

Because I just read Amelia's blog. Suddenly have the feel to blog.
But I doubt anybody's still coming here. Hahaha.
 
AMELIA CHOO WHY SO EMO.
Make me sad also:(
Anyway now's also in the middle of the night and I can't sleep so TADA I'M HERE.

I think I've changed too. Ever since I went into JC, I changed. It's been a really long while.
Sometimes just the thought of going to school tires me out. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. The people there...I just feel sad. Maybe in secondary school I'm already emo enough. But trust me. I'm worst in JC. There's nobody I can talk to. Except for Shien, June and Sasha. I can't bring myself to be myself. I can't approach the rest. So hard. I guess when you lost the feeling of connectness for too long, you get used to it. Once in school, I feel like I just put on a mask and became another person. So when you see me in school ignoring almost everybody, it's because I'm trying to be myself. I'm trying to stop myself from being someone else. So actually that's a good thing? Haha. But I've been thinking, isn't it like this since secondary school? Isn't things like this since I start to learn how to think? I was always in my own little world. I almost always didn't let anybody in. Never be myself, never speak what I want to speak.
Now that I'm older, I start to realise, hey actually I haven't really learn how to interact with people.

But because of Shien, I never lose hope. I can't express how glad I am to have her in my life. But I don't think she'll know. Haha. I learn to express myself properly. I learn to trust. I learn that actually if I want, I can just be myself. I learn that I'm not that bad actually. Really, she keep me going.  

To some extent, she understands me. And that's enough. How many people out there truly understands me HELLO? But it's okay. Because it's my fault too. I am to be blame.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts. Many times I need music just so that I won't be alone, with my own thoughts. Even now, I don't dare to truly hear myself out.

Really, I think if you want to be emo, there's no limit. But if you want to be positive, there's a limit to it.
But then, everybody has moments when they feel sad, when they has low self-esteem, when they don't know who they are themselves.
Misery breeds misery.

In the end, I believe we just have to do what we are supposed to do. Don't let our emotions get to us.
It's that simple. Just do what you have to do.

I'm ending this post! Haha. Sorry for the abrupt end!

 TAKE CARE. AND LOVE YOURSELF. :)