I have to do this fast before the motivation dies out again.
After almost 9 months, I'm finally back to this space. Don't know why I'm back too, since I'm more or less talking to myself now that nobody visits here anymore. But yeah, I guess there's a need to. Help me stay sane, you know?
Link:http://justsayhi365.pixnet.net/blog/post/51246062
有很多的朋友，可是"看起來朋友很多，可是知心的沒有幾個"這句話很深刻的形容了雙子。雙子很能說話，他跟 別人可以天南地北的聊，可以聊得很八卦，也會聊一些很嚴肅的話題。雙子可以跟你聊很多東西，可是注意了，他都只是跟你聊一些不關自己的事。隨便他跟你說些 什麼，可是跟自己有關的都只是些皮毛而已。比如，今天又有某個明星怎樣怎樣了；隔壁班有多少美女帥哥的。關於自己的事，他幾乎是不說的，就算是說，也是說 一些關於自己無關痛癢的事。當你想更進一步的瞭解雙子，他會很自然的把話題給扯開。
對於自信的雙子來說，他又同時很沒有安全感，這是雙子特有的矛盾。他喜歡把自己重重包圍住，不讓自己暴露。對於雙子來說，如果在一個還不瞭解的人面前把自 己暴露了，就等於讓別人抓住了自己的把柄。這樣就失去了一定的優勢。當雙子感到獨孤悲傷時，只會一個人躲在房間裡哭，或者一個人鬱悶著。
雙子也很怕被傷害，很多時候寧願自己承受一切，也不願別人抓住自己的把柄。所以久而久之也就養成了習慣。雙子基本上也是個很痛苦的人。表面上總是很有活 力，很快樂的樣子，可是沒人的時候他又總是很憂傷。雙子總會被一種莫名的悲傷籠罩。但他不會讓別人發現的，他怕被傷害，也怕被別人拋棄，只能自己硬挺著一 切。所以雙子很神經質，精神脆弱，容易人格分裂，因為承受了太多的東西.
一般來說雙子的孩子都很早熟。雙子對很多的東西都在乎得要命，可是表面上就是看起來什麼都不在乎。雙子並不是故意要掩飾自己，上面說了，這只是一種習慣了，可是在外人看來他就成了虛偽的人。
雙子是被公認的最花心、最冷酷無情的星座。其實對於雙子的花心，真的不想再說些什麼了。解釋得太多，累了，也沒耐心了。可是說起雙子，就不得不提感情，雙 子這一生，似乎必須被感情牽伴，跟愛情糾纏一世。很多人說雙子並不花心，只是博愛，所以才會有那麼好的人緣。忘了在哪裡看見了這樣的一句話：雙子最大的悲 哀在於有兩個人的思想，卻只有一個人的身體，雙子有愛自己所愛的人的權利，也有保護彼此所愛的人的義務，雙子只剩下一個時，愛也就只剩下義務了。
我想用如來若去說的一句話給雙子的花心做個總結：花心的極端就是癡心的可怕。該懂的人應該會懂的。至於冷酷無情真的不知道該從何說起。其實雙子是最平和的 星座，如果可以不發生衝突，都會盡量避免。雙子也很少跟別人吵架，他討厭吵架，如果是因為一些生活瑣碎小事吵架，那麼雙子就在吵完的那一刻就把這件事給忘 了；
要雙子真的跟你翻臉，除非是你的所作所為或所說的話實在讓雙子不能忍受，這時他會很鄙視得看你一眼，然後頭也不回地走掉，甚至會不給你留面子地離開。這時 你一輩子也別想再和他和好了，就算有的雙子礙於面子和你再成為朋友，但是他們已經對你鄙視到了極點，只不過維持著這一層不得不維持的"朋友"關係其實，很 大一部分雙子，對待感情是非常專一的，之所以給人留下花心的美名，是因為很少有人能夠讓略帶童心的雙子動真感情，不是雙子鐵石心腸，而是雙子個性裡面天生 有一些憂鬱，一些潛在的不自信，只是雙子隱藏的深入，可是一旦讓雙子動了真感情，那麼恭喜你了，雙子的天真，率直，外加表達能力豐富，一定能讓你獲得很多 快樂。
每個雙子都有一個故事隱藏在心裡，多數是不堪回首的往事，雙子是個念舊或者說是喜歡沉浸在回憶中的星座，他（她）的這個故事通常都是因情所困，動了感情而 被傷害了的雙子是脆弱的，也是堅強的，他（她）可以很快的振作起來，可以當什麼事都沒有發生，這些都是雙子演給世人看的罷了，等到夜深人靜的時候，雙子內 心的傷痛隨著血液滲透到全身，他（她）可以一整夜的去回憶之前的點點滴滴，可以一整夜的沉浸在痛苦之中，可以一整夜坐在那裡發呆，但是，一旦天亮了，要出 去見人了，雙子馬上就從痛苦中抽身而走，你看到的肯定是一個神采奕奕的雙子，這就是雙子，擁有雙重性格的雙子，一個在世人面前樂天，快樂，在孤獨夜晚獨自 傷悲的雙子。
雙子的愛是最永恆的，可以付出一切，有人說我們花心，那時我們沒有真正的愛，當雙子愛上一個人的時候是痛苦的，因為我們太敏感。假如雙子愛上了一個不愛自 己的人，那莫我相信他永遠都不會再愛了，當愛給過了一個人，他再也沒有能力再付出了，其實太多的人都不懂我們，其實連我們自己都不懂自己，我們很會偽裝， 很會說謊，但我們最細膩，對感情最敏感，雙子的愛與悲傷，誰又真的瞭解！
Pardon me, but I can't not share this. This is TOO me. Kind me shall summarise for you HAHA.
•可是注意了，他都只是跟你聊一些不關自己的事
•他又同時很沒有安全感
•他喜歡把自己重重包圍住，不讓自己暴露
•表面上總是很有活 力，很快樂的樣子，可是沒人的時候他又總是很憂傷
I don't know what to say...inside my head, there's this clock that goes: tick tick tick, time is running out...It wasn't there until only recently.
I don't know...sometimes it just breaks my heart when I think of my friends. What a bad friend I am. How lucky I am to still have them, yet how unlucky they are to have me. It's weird saying this, but it's like having a out of body experience. I'm watching myself hide away, I'm watching my friends trying to reach out to me. I'm watching my friends hurting cause of it.
I love all my friends. It's sincere. But I know I don't love myself. I'm scared of myself. There's always these thoughts: If I don't like seeing myself, why will someone else like? If I don't like hearing myself, why will someone else like?
The word "me", I can't bring myself to say it infront of others. I'm always fascinated by how other people talk about themselves so easily infront of others. When people ask about me, I'll be like... "NOTHING. NOTHING SPECIAL, NOTHING TO SAY" And as skilled as I can, I'll change the topic immediately.
As I grew older and starts to see things more clearly(yes I do), I slowly starts to understand my reactions. Low self-esteem. Negative thoughts about self. Don't think I deserve any attention.
Of course, everyone likes to talk about themselves(it's true), me included.
Everyone likes to feel understood.
By hiding away, I did succeed in protecting myself from everything, yet everyone's getting further away, me included, from me.
It's fearful trying to face myself. All my fears. To break down the walls. To break down the façade. To let people in. But I'm more fearful of anymore people leaving. I don't think my heart can take it uh.
Two days ago, I met up with Amelia, after like a few months. The contrast was real big...our behaviours...there she was, connecting with people every few minutes, trying to involve people in her everyday life. And there I was...staying alone. Doing things alone. Minding my own business. Not involving anyone in my life. When I'm home alone(which is what I'm doing now), there'll always be music played. Cause I can't stand silence. I'll feel lonely from time to time. I'll check my phone for messages from time to time. But as quickly as I can, I'll kick those thoughts out of my mind and do something that takes my focus away. Soon, I'll stop contacting people, stop reaching out to people. I always tell myself, "ah I don't know why, it just slips my mind" But that's not true. I didn't allow myself to feel. I didn't allow myself to be attached to anything. People didn't slip out of my mind. They're always there. My friends, they always mattered. "What will they be doing now?" "Are they busy now?" "Have they forgotten about me?" But I didn't allow myself to wonder any further.
Yet it's obvious. They're slowly yet surely, entering my life, entering my mind. Having a space there. Something like permanent residents. And I need them. And this neediness is scaring me.
"Where you been to? It's like you disappeared." To be honest, I was shocked to hear that. I always thought it's other people that disappeared from my life. But in the end, I'm actually the one who's 'disappeared'.
I don't know...I don't want people to leave anymore. But I'm not sure if I should hold on.
Because,
am I worth it?
They say they can wait, but,
it's been a long wait.
To that friend who left:
Hey. I'm thankful to you. The words you said. They left a mark on my heart. They broke my heart. But I've learned because of that. Thank you, for all the wonderful memories, and all the bad memories. To the very last moment, you still gave me something... I'm heeding your advice now. Not yet changed fully, but definitely in some ways. I'm putting my focus on the right things now. Piano, violin, judo...I'm learning Spanish now too! Just that it's too late now...like the clock ticking...I just wished you stayed.
Always your friend
I'm in love with this guy and this song.
I'll be back! Writing things out definitely made me feel better. Hence I'll be back for more!
Shout out to my friends: I love you !
